Kids Health

Physical abuse at a young age is linked to aggression later in childhood, but little is known about the impact of neglect.

Now a research team has found that neglect in the first two years of life may be a more important predictor of aggression before age eight than physical abuse or neglect later in childhood.

The team, which included physicians from the medical faculties of the University of North Carolina and the University of Maryland, examined records of 1,318 children culled from local child protection agencies. All had come to the attention of authorities for suspected or actual abuse or neglect, which the law defines as a failure to provide food, clothing, shelter or adequate supervision.

The children’s primary caregivers were interviewed when the children were four, six and eight, and asked whether the youths displayed signs of aggression, such as destroying property or attacking or threatening others.

Their answers were analysed and compared with data about aggressive behaviour from a general population of children who did not have histories of abuse or neglect.

Analysis revealed that neglect before age two was a stronger predictor of later aggression than physical abuse in the first two years or neglect later in childhood.

Though child abuse gets more attention in the media, neglect is more common, “has gone largely unstudied” and appears to be an important contributor to youth violence, researchers say.

“Neglect may have profound and long-lasting effects on the child, particularly if it occurs early in the child’s development,” they conclude.

The study, which appears in the April issue of Pediatrics, was funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

Help For Teaching Kids Self-Control

As parents we often react to your child’s misbehavior or emotional outburst by an emotional overreaction ourselves. This can make you feel out of control also. Tensions escalate and soon the whole situation becomes a much bigger issue then it really should have. Anger, blame, guilt, pleading and other extreme emotional reactions can make a parent feel upset and stressed for hours. This does not encourage positive behavior and overreactions can result in more bad behavior. As parents, mastering our own emotions and responses to unwanted behavior can also show your child good stress management techniques. If you respond in a calm manner, your child will feel calm and your child will calm down faster. One technique also to try is what I call the heartfelt touch which will be explained more below.

Your child will soon see their actions are not getting the response they were hoping for if you stay calm and collected during the bout of bad behavior. By managing your own emotions, your discipline will be more effective and it will help you feel calmer and more in control.

Be prepared for those times and have your methods of dealing with them planned. Planned reactions to bad behavior can help you remain calm and in control and will ensure your discipline is the same each time. Having plans made in advance will help you control your emotions when the time comes for a response for bad behavior. Consistency is the answer to many discipline problems and if your response is the same after each episode of bad behavior, your child will recognize his behavior is unacceptable.

As parents we also need to know our limits. We may be having a bad day and your child will often act out especially on that day because they can sense your mood. If you are emotionally distracted, angry, impatient, stressed, or sick it might be a good idea to relax the rules and expectations that day. It will be easier on you and less disrupting to your child. You should not tolerate bad behavior, but be sure to give yourself a time-out to allow your emotions to subside before you react.

Knowing your child can help you better realize what works and does not work for them. You will find ways of disciplining your child and not hurt them emotionally. You must learn to distinguish between well thought out rule breaking and accidental infringement of the rules. You also should know how each of your children is different. Some may respond to a sharp command while other more sensitive children will fall apart at any hint of a harsh tone. If you are under control when the child is misbehaving, you will be able to distinguish between willful misbehavior and reaction to stress. It is very important to differentiate between the two.

Finding the right approach to calm down an out of control child can be a real challenge. Sometimes they may throw themselves into a temper tantrum for no reason at all, and all the talking and reasoning with them will do not good. I know from personal experience of two young boys!! Whats important when a child throws a temper tantrum and becomes out of control is to remain calm and make sure your child does not hurt themself.  This can be a real parenting challenge.

One calming method I learned when a child starts to become out of control, or is out of control is a heartfelt loving touch. Try a gentle touch on the shoulder, or better yet, if you can, right over the heart. If talking seems to agitate him or her just sit or stay there with the child, remain calm, and gently touch them over the heart. Its has amazed me what this simple technique can do and turn a crying or screaming child into a calm one, only then can you start to talk to him or her to find out what the real problem is. Remember, what may seem trivial to you can be a major event in a childs world.

Remember, keep your emotions in check. If you act emotionally to your child’s behavior you may scare your child or reduce the trust they have in you. It may also be counterproductive to your discipline plan. If your child sees that they will be able to get an emotional response by doing specific actions, it will encourage them to continue the behavior that is unacceptable. If you do not feel you can deal with the situation without being overemotional, take a time-out for you! And if your partner is near, have him or her take over the situation. Sometimes a fresh perspective, or parent, can be a lifesaver.

Raising Children Fairly and Equally

Most parents don’t like to admit it, but parents typically have a preferred child among all of their children. As a result, parents often do not raise their children equally. While this favoritism is obviously not fair, some parents over compensate by trying to raise their children equally in order to be always fair. Unfortunately, this opposite of favoritism is equally not fair.

Here is a common example. Let’s assume a couple has two children. One of their children is very good in school, and the other child is not. It is common for parents to send both of their children to equivalent colleges, while ignoring the fact that one child deserves better while the other children might not want or deserve to go to college.

Another example is with sports. One child may be exceptionally good in sports, while their siblings are not. However, their parents typically push all of their children in after school sport activities if a single child shows interest. If a child is talented in playing music, the child’s siblings are often sent to music classes as well.

As a result, parents try to achieve the same interests and results with all of their children, even though some siblings are often incorrectly pushed in activities that they are not interested in. Unfortunately, this seldom works.

It is never easy to raise children, but parents must be dynamic enough to raise each child differently. While some parents are luckily enough to have similar children, most siblings have diverse strengths and interests that must be nurtured and developed independently from their siblings.

My Only Child

There can be only one.

By Victoria Clayton Munn

I am the mother of one perfect daughter. She’s pretty, sweet, intelligent and a handful. My little girl just had her first birthday, and I can’t imagine a happier occasion — celebrating a year of being the mother to the most incredible being this world has known. Unfortunately, my joy in being a mom is inevitably interrupted each time I am discussing children with someone. As I am describing how great I feel about being my daughter’s mommy, inevitably I am asked, “So, when are you going to have another?”

Arrgh. How to explain my thoughts on this subject? The short answer is, “Never.” That’s right, I’m not planning to have more children. My husband and I actually WANT to have an only child. We have never planned to have a second child, and we stick by that plan. Other people, however, don’t seem to understand that this can be possible. The minute we tell people that we aren’t going to have more kids, the advice starts pouring in.

She’ll be lonely. She’ll be greedy (I guess only children don’t learn how to share?). Don’t you want to see what it’s like to have a boy? Isn’t it selfish of you to not have another child for her to grow up with? I have heard all of these arguments, and many more like them. So, here’s an open explanation to those who would ask, “Why not have another child?”

The first reason is perhaps the most important. We want to be able to give our children everything. As my husband and I were not blessed with rich relatives throwing cash at us or a well-chosen lottery jackpot, we need to watch where money goes. Having just one child will allow us to lavish upon her all the things she needs and some of the frivolous things she wants. Our daughter will get all we can afford, and we’ll be able to save for her future as well. With a second child (or more) we would be stretched thinner (money-wise) and we wouldn’t be able to give each of them what we wanted to.

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The second reason is medical. I have a genetic condition that can be passed on. It’s not deadly, but it is inconvenient. I feel like we gambled and won (there’s a 50% chance of inheritance) with our daughter, so I don’t want to risk it again. It’s the same with my brush with preeclampsia – I survived and so did my baby (five weeks early), but I wouldn’t want to risk it again. (I do know my risk for having preeclampsia a second time is higher than the 5-8% of pregnancies usually affected.) Neither of these problems are certain to happen with a second pregnancy, and for that reason some would choose to try and have more children. I don’t feel it’s worth the risk for my family.

I also have done research into the differences between only children and those who have siblings. There is no proof that only kids are less adjusted, less social or less happy. Child psychologists debunked those myths years ago. Most only children are pleased with their situation and would not change it so that they could have brothers or sisters (at least that’s the story from the only children I’ve talked to!).

I do admit I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a little boy in the house. Shopping for non-pink clothing and baseball mitts would be fun. Fortunately, that’s what nephews and other small male relatives are for – you can shower them with the toys your little girl doesn’t have an interest in, and buy them all the blue onesies you want.

These reasons aren’t a rationalization for myself so I feel alright about having just one baby. I truly hope people will read this and understand that having “just one” is a choice. We’re sticking to having just one child and we’re satisfied that we’re going to stay a family of three. So, yes, it’s our choice and yes, we’re happy with it.